Twitchy Cock and the Christmas Ham.
A heart-warming tale of Goblins and Dwarves and Pixies and shit.
By Shay Ryan
In the small warm cottage on Pixie Dust lane, Twitchy Cock the dwarf was getting ready for Christmas. He had already peeled the spuds and prepared the pigs in blankets and was now washing his hands before stuffing the turkey.
Ding Dong – the door-bell rang merrily and Twitchy Cock dried his hands quickly before muttering ’10 o’clock on Christmas Eve, who could that be, the cunts. Do they know its Christmas my arse?’
Ding dong … ding dong ding dong.
The bell echoed busily in the small hall way as Twitchy Cock hurried to open the door – ‘I’m coming, I’m coming, calm down’ he called out, adding quietly ‘ what’s your fuckin hurry you big feck arse’.
As he opened the door he was filled with surprise. It was his ex-missis stood there looking upset and frightened. ‘Jingled Bells, what’s the matter with you. All this noise on Christmas Eve’ and Jingled Bells rushed straight past him into the small warm cottage saying ‘my ham, it’s ruined. That fat bastard Grumble Arse came back from the pub and has eaten it and pissed in the sink. He has no respect for me at all. Ohh Twitchy Cock, why ever did I leave you?’ And she swooned as though she would faint. Twitchy Cock closed the front door with the words ‘that’s all I need, this fekkin bitch ruining me Christmas Eve buzz – what a waste of OxyContin’.
‘Oh Jingled Bells, I told you Grumble Arse had no respect for your ham, but you still left me and went to live with him’ said Twitchy Cock as he expertly caught the swooning Jingled Bells with his right hand while scratching his arse with his left. ‘I know, I know, I know – you were right, I should never have left you for that horrible goblin with his big head, and his big legs … And his big hands, and his big…’ ‘Yes yes yes, we know all about that Jingled Bells. But what do you want me to do?’ asked Twitchy Cock, still scratching his arse, ‘I haven’t even got a ham, just a turkey – Tesco still won’t let me back after that incident last week – and I’m just a little dwarf, there’s no way I can make a big goblin do what I say – and you could always wash the dishes in the toilet’.
‘I need your magic ham finder and I need it now’ said Jingled Bells. Twitchy Cock fell silent, a troubled look clouding his face. ‘But the ham finder has a mind of its own’ he said ‘think of the trouble it could cause if it goes off in the wrong place – again.’ Jingled Bells thought for a moment and said ‘Oh yes, I forgot about the Tesco incident – they still have your mayonnaise on the ceiling. But this is an emergency. If you don’t help me I will have no ham for Christmas’ she said with a right annoying pleading tone of voice; if you were there you’d slap the pixie bitch.
‘I know’ said Twitchy Cock, the last buzz of his Oxys wearing off, ‘I’ll call me old mate Fuck Face Freddy and see if he can help us find a ham. He works in the butchers shop in Fairy Tale Way, next to the Pound Shop. He will help us, I know. He owes me for 5 grams of hillbilly heroin’. ‘But Twitchy, Fuck Face Freddy was banged up last week for sheep shagging – again ‘cried Jingled Bells, with an even more annoying tone of voice, if you were there you’d’ve fucked her out the door by now. ‘Oh no, did Farmer Balls Talker catch him in the field again?’ asked Twitchy Cock, visibly upset to hear this bad news about his friend. ‘Oh no, they caught him in the window of the butchers shop ploughing himself into the tray of spiced lamb chops. It took two of them to pull him off’ said Jingled Bells. ‘If they’d pulled him off in the first place none of this would’ve happened’ said Twitchy Cock, thinking about how he could sneak a couple of Oxys down his neck without Jingled Bells noticing.
‘There’s only one thing we can do’ said Twitchy Cock, still holding the swooning Jingled Bells and scratching his arse furiously. ‘We’ll have to go to the Queen of the Goblins and ask for a spell to make Grumble Arse sleep over Christmas so you can enjoy your ham all to yourself – and then we will have to find you a ham’. ‘But why don’t we just go to the shops, Twitchy baby, and we can find a ham with your magic ham finder’ said Jingled Bells, getting all flirty and that. ‘Because the fella writing this can’t think of anything funny to say about shopping. He reckons he might be able to squeeze a few lazy gags from magic and spells though’ said Twitchy Cock, who was by now completely sober and aware he’d sell his hole for a few tabs of E. ‘OK Twitchy Baby, you’re the daddy now’ said Jingled Bells, the thought of a piece of tasty ham too much for her to contain her excitement. ‘Let’s do it!’ she said as they ran out of the front door of the tiny cottage on Pixie Dust Lane and jumped into Mickey the Micra, a talking car wouldn’t you know, this being a fairy tale kind of thing that’s going on.
‘OOf, you couple of skid marks, what the shit is going on?’ exclaimed Mickey the Micra, visibly perturbed at having been woken for a ride. His cute little face contorted with rage and he waved his windscreen wipers angrily. ‘It’s an emergency Mickey, the lad writing this has run out of ideas so we need you to take us to the Queen of the Goblins for an emergency spell’ said Twitchy Cock with a tone of pleading in his voice – ‘please say you’ll do it!’ ‘No way, it’s crimbo eve and I’m … hang on, the Queen of the goblins? There’s no way she’ll let you in the door … she might even kill you after what happened in Tesco last week, ha ha ha, that was great, all over the meat counter, it took them a week to clean the walls, ha ha ha…’ and Mickey the Micra laughed his little engine off. ‘I know she’s gonna be angry but I have to try’ said Twitchy Cock and then whispered ‘It’s the only way to win Jingled Bells back from Grumble Arse and have her be my biatch’. ‘Oh’ said Mickey the Micra ‘I didn’t realise this story line was going to have a love interest, I must be getting slow’. ‘Say nothing but there’s an action packed ending too’ said Twitchy Cock quietly, hoping that Jingled Bells wasn’t listening to the conversation.
Having assured Mickey the Micra of the importance of the journey on Christmas Eve and after Mickey had managed to stop laughing, the three good friends set off to the land of the Goblins just down past the Pound Shop on Fairy Tale Way. Turning right at the butchers shop and heading east towards the snow-capped mountains of Backa Me Bollix, the occupants of the car stayed silent as the castle of the Queen of the Goblins came into view.
‘That’s one scary looking castle’ purred Mickey the Micra, with a phut phut noise coming from his exhaust. The castle really was scary looking – loads of turrets stretching to the sky and gargoyles hanging from the walls, their red eyes staring straight at the little car containing a frightened Twitchy Cock and a sleeping Jingled Bells. Oh yeah, about Jingled Bells being asleep and this salient fact not being mentioned earlier. The author ran out of lines for her so she may be killed off at some point. Happens all the time in the early episodes of Star Trek.
Mickey the Micra parked in front of the big castle door and said ‘Good luck Twitchy, it was nice knowing ya – ha ha ha, the Queen’s gonna go mental when she sees you!’ ‘Cheers Mickey – oh look, you’ve got a flat tyre’ said Twitchy Cock, all nonchalant like. ‘Bugger it, which one?’ cursed Mickey the Micra trying to look at his tyres. ‘Ha ha, made you look’ laughed Twitchy Cock before giving Mickey the finger and skipping up the steps to the castle door. ‘Oh very funny, yeah, great, you won’t be laughing when you come back you shit house rat ya’.
When he reached the castle door Twitchy Cock summoned all of his bravery and knocked loudly three times. Sweat gathered on his brow as he stood waiting for a response. Five long seconds went by and nothing happened. Twitchy Cock was about to knock again when the door fell slightly open and he cautiously peered around to see inside the castle. And what he saw took his breath away.